No one told me . . .

I went on a leadership programme recently. As a participant. Lucky me; I don’t usually get to sit on that side of the room.

Though if honest, and I mean this with all good intent . . . it didn’t feel much like a leadership programme . . . more an unburdening, a therapy, a chance for some me, me, me time.

It proved to be a good week, spent with wonderful people who opened up, shared experiences and listened hard. It was time very well spent.

But something bothered me.

I felt like the only confident person in the room.

And yes, I can hear what that might sound like. Arrogant, egotistical, a little haughty?

Now please don’t misunderstand me. I can do self-doubt with the best of them, and in years gone past I know I’ve worried and fretted about things I shouldn’t have (though I only realised that much later, of course).

But at that precise moment in my life, on that leadership programme, I was feeling good – some might say I’d self-actualised. Well, maybe I had . . . but that didn’t stop me returning to work and giving some serious thought to why I felt like I did, and why others perhaps didn’t. (See my Note to self series – Archives, or search “Note to self”).

Lacking confidence is probably in the top 3 reasons people come to me for coaching when they’ve identified they could do with some help and want a chance to talk things through with a good listener. I’m purposely excluding the types of coaching conversations I have which might be about career development – that’s bread and butter stuff that I get involved in every day (and I love it with a passion. People who want to develop? Please . . . send them my way!).

I’ve heard, time and time again, from people who are hurting:

everyone hates me
all my team think I’m no good at leading them
I dread having to speak up at a meeting because everyone’s thinking I haven’t got much to offer

And my question, every time? Well, alright, it’s usually on a theme . . . I don’t roll out the same line all the time to everyone I coach . . . but it goes something like this:

What did it feel like when someone told you that?

What I’m really wanting to know is, how do you know . . . where’s your evidence?

And in 99% of responses, the answer comes back:

Well, no one told me . . . and I’ve never asked them

Of course they didn’t. When we’re feeling even a little bit vulnerable, we can lean towards making sweeping assumptions, and my, how we can get life out of proportion.

It’s sad, also, that I often see a lack of confidence in people caused by bad leadership: from leaders who don’t know how to develop and support them, or worse, leaders who bring them down with a leadership style that’s simply inexcusable – they don’t listen, they bark commands, they’re so demanding it hurts. It’s unreasonable.

If you could do with a little help to restore you to a place you once were at, or take you to a level you’ve never allowed yourself to reach, perhaps . . .

Think back to a time when you were feeling at your best. What did that feel like? What were you thinking?
Who knows how you feel?
Who might help?
What’s the one thing you could do to change how you feel?
How do you know it to be true?
What opportunity can you take today to be kind to yourself?